There are many noises though, around me. Some says to get my shit together. To figure out what is the next step, goals and plans need to be clear, you should try harder, pressure of meeting expectations. But some noises are saying that it's okay to take your time, you are your own paced, you know yourself better and when you're ready, you're doing your best and you should be proud.
It's confusing right? And it's exhausting. The kind of feeling you don't even know how to say it out loud. Even if you do, it will just slowly turn into whining, complaining, heartache and frustration. And... it will still not fixed the issues.
Mentally, that's the hardest turbulence to get through. Sometimes you can't control what your mind are circling around, what kind of thought appears, what kind of anxiety it instill. Having to faced people's expectations is hard but having to doubt yourself is ever worst. The moment our mind start to juggle all the negativity scenarios, it will never be the end. You will have a hard time catching some sleep even though you deadly wish for it, even when you do fall asleep, you'll still wake up feeling lost and drained. Sometimes you wished for thing to just paused or maybe for it to end.
It's easy to get all those bad thoughts takes over you. It's easy to feel so demotivated but somehow you still keep going. It's so easy to say ''I want to just give up'' but it becomes empty words because you still stay in that situation. You still let yourself drowned in anger and hate. You still let yourself get heartache and taken advantage off. You still let people break every damn passion and spirits you have in you.
Why though? Why do we let that happen? Why are we so cruel to ourselves knowing in the end you have nobody but yourself.
That is the hardest thing to swallow because honestly I'm tired of feeling alone.
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